October light

Today, it's been a downhill since Pathology lab ended in terms of productivity. I had a plan or was going to prepare for one, but I just got mentally and environmentally disturbed. Shouldn't have let everything affect me so much. 

So I went to the gym. And shot some hoops for a bit in the hopes of recovery. Which helped, a bit. I finally have my focus on (except for now, I had to make this short post).

I did sit down on my bed and ponder for a good while before I started studying about lymphomas and leukemias (which are still a puzzle to me). I kept questioning myself - what is most interesting to me about studying? Why do I want to study this material? What is the purpose of studying it?

....eventually, I got to why am I here? why am I in medical school, trying to be a future physician. After a LOT of digging through, I realized I have NO IDEA. And that's fine. I used to be confused about what I'd do as a physician, and develop wonderful ideas which inspired me. But honestly, I have no idea why I chose this path over others. Why didn't I become an engineer and help the world in that way? Why am I in medical school to study this material? Well I know why they teach us these particular courses....but I have no idea where this path is going to take me. 

I guess this whole time, I've been making up a TON of rationalities. And none of them are satisfying and convincing enough as "I have no idea" at this point. So hopefully I'd like to figure out why I'm here.