Path system I exam status - DONE.

Holy shit, that test was a whole new level of insane. So many details, and questions that were not even related to what we learned in class and lab. For some of the questions, I did know the answers for sure. But others were a guessing game. Even when I analyzed my way through the answer choices, I couldn't know for sure if I was right. Which is very annoying. And the time kept ticking....


One thing is for sure - we're done with the supposedly hardest test of 4th term.

Saturation point

This is what I call saturation point. I've reviewed all of the material except for the Pediatrics section. I haven't done many practice questions, and hopefully I"ll have time for those tomorrow.

Not too excited for this scary test. I don't know what it means to feel prepared for it either. 

"The hardest part (about CPD practical exam) is to overcome your fear"

~ Clinical tutor

We’ve had some good advice-giving tutors. He also said to be nice to ourselves, and trust that anything on the test will be something we have seen in lab….which is comforting.

So what about fear? It's still present, still haunts me and works together with anxiety to block my frontal lobe thinking. Sucks. But work is in progress.

Ritual

"The occupation of a student is to study." ~ My dad, my clinical tutor's dad, and others (other dads?)

That phrase is nice to hear, and to be reminded of, but in practice it's very annoying. It's hard to keep studying all the time. How does studying even become an occupation?

After cleaning my desk tonight with packets of Pathology, CPD lab notes and tons of colorful highlighters and post-its, I've realized studying has become a ritual to me. Every day I wake up looking at a bright morning with a clean desk, ready to study (And yes, I get a nice view of the ocean and the waves coming ashore). The timings are not all set in stone, but the ritual is still the same. Wake up, get ready, eat, study. Take a break, socialize a bit, eat more...back to studying. More studying....and finally wind down for the night. Rinse and repeat.

I've also noticed a pattern in what I do in my break time. Listening to a song or two, talking to my roommate, grabbing something crunchy and maybe, if I'm lucky, visit the dock. It's really nice actually. I have actually come to liking the act of studying. Each time, I've begun to perform this ritual with more care, and I work towards learning better each day. Also, I've been more efficient with my time. It's okay to take an extra 10-15 minutes to relax. It's okay to stop studying Micro because nothing goes into my head. And it's okay to go on Facebook to keep in touch with people.

Well, I never thought this day would come where I would actually like studying. So huge leap for me? I think so.

October light

Today, it's been a downhill since Pathology lab ended in terms of productivity. I had a plan or was going to prepare for one, but I just got mentally and environmentally disturbed. Shouldn't have let everything affect me so much. 

So I went to the gym. And shot some hoops for a bit in the hopes of recovery. Which helped, a bit. I finally have my focus on (except for now, I had to make this short post).

I did sit down on my bed and ponder for a good while before I started studying about lymphomas and leukemias (which are still a puzzle to me). I kept questioning myself - what is most interesting to me about studying? Why do I want to study this material? What is the purpose of studying it?

....eventually, I got to why am I here? why am I in medical school, trying to be a future physician. After a LOT of digging through, I realized I have NO IDEA. And that's fine. I used to be confused about what I'd do as a physician, and develop wonderful ideas which inspired me. But honestly, I have no idea why I chose this path over others. Why didn't I become an engineer and help the world in that way? Why am I in medical school to study this material? Well I know why they teach us these particular courses....but I have no idea where this path is going to take me. 

I guess this whole time, I've been making up a TON of rationalities. And none of them are satisfying and convincing enough as "I have no idea" at this point. So hopefully I'd like to figure out why I'm here.